An (Embarrassing) Personal Story of People Pleasing

I share this story (and more) in an interview on Jodi Flynn’s Women Taking the Lead podcast. Check it out here or directly on Apple Podcasts.

“Despite the loss, I see you’re still smiling,” the male news anchor from CTV, Canada’s largest news network, said to me during an interview I did a few days after the presidential election here in the U.S.

Ouch. That wasn’t my intention at all.

I was still shell shocked and exhausted from the election, as many of us were.

More than that, I was angry and sick to my stomach that hate and bigotry had been used so effectively as political tools, but I didn’t want to come across as the “angry feminist,” so instead I smiled as I talked about the uncertain future of our country.

Then, when the anchor made that comment to me, my heart sank as I realized I had betrayed my own emotions for the sake of feminine likability.

This story is not easy for me to share with you, but that’s precisely why I’m doing it. We learn from our stumbles as much as (probably more than) our successes.

So, why did I choose to smile? (And it was a very conscious decision in the moment.)

Social pressure → I’ve had male friends remark to me that on some of my TV appearances (I’m a Democratic political analyst during election seasons), I seemed too serious (i.e. I didn’t smile enough).

Self-protection → I didn’t want to seem frigid, “anger the trolls”, and end up with mean-spirited messages on social media.

Expectations → I had allowed society’s expectations about women to influence my own behavior, even when I knew deep down that smiling was totally incongruent with the subject matter.

I joke with my friends that I’m a people pleaser, and there are certainly good aspects of that (I try to be kind, considerate, and generous with others).

But, when it comes to standing up and speaking up for what you believe is right, you’re not going to be able to please everyone.

In fact, if you’re not repelling some people, your message (and your delivery) is not powerful enough and is not going to have the impact you want.

I have a lot more to say on this topic of speaking up, why women in particular are more reluctant to (it’s etched into our ancestral memory due to millennia of patriarchal rule), the double bind women are in to be seen as both competent and likable, how this impacts our businesses and earning power, and how we can gain the skills and confidence to speak effectively with courage and conviction.

The devastating election results were a huge wake up call for me. As I moved through the stages of grief during that first week, I quickly shifted out of despondency.

I grew increasingly resolute to use my platform to help women like you liberate and amplify your voices.

Whether you want to speak about business, marketing, health and wellness, leadership, social injustices, or whatever your topic is, know that you have a supportive group of women available to get ideas and input, to share advice and resources, in my private Facebook group. It’s completely free, so join today.

Be sure to listen to the podcast episode.

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